Happy Mother’s Day-We All Need some Love Today!
A warm greeting to mothers, grandmothers, future mothers, aspiring mothers, women who wanted to be mothers, aunts who loved and cared for us and any and all maternal nurturers! Thank you for all that you do and all that you give. You deserve so much more than flowers, a card, or bath and beauty products and brunch! (But those are very nice and welcome ways of expressing gratitude!). And the reality is, that what you deserve may only be something that you can give yourself. Hopefully you have people in your life who can at least give you their time so that you can get what you need for yourself. I always like an opportunity to focus on myself on Mother’s Day. So my perfect day is when my husband can take the kids so I can go to a spa, or get a pedicure, or go shopping, or a long walk, or bath, or stay home in an empty house, or whatever I feel like giving to myself. It’s great to have a brunch or some time with my kids, and then I’d love some time with myself; time to remember who I am and what I like!
It’s difficult to talk about Mother’s Day and self-care today without thinking about current US events regarding social and political attitudes towards mothers and women, and really anyone and everyone who is subjected to threatened infringement of personal and human rights. (If it isn’t apparent I’m referring to the impending US Supreme Court ruling on Roe v. Wade) Patriarchal dominance rears its head in many forms— be it known by the name of ISIS, Boko Haram, Taliban, The Inquisition, MAGA, DezNat, Alt-right, white nationalists- a few of the many names the same demon goes by- always masquerading as executioners of religious piety and purity, rooting out sinners, yet sinfully and blatantly offensive to the will or sentiment of any real god, and counter to any true teachings of religion and spirituality— and with one main agenda— to seek total dominance and control over feminine power. Of course entire religions, nationalities, ethnicities, identities and countless other groups can be targets of this demon, at its root is a deep-seated fear of the feminine and the power it wields. But a society can only be healthy and free when there is a balance. Just like in the human body, in Chinese medicine, we seek to balance the energies of yin and yang. We all possess both qualities within our individual selves, the masculine and the feminine— yin and yang energies. The nature of yang energy is to dominate, and yin energy to yield. Out of balance, untempered and grounded by yin, that dominating yang energy goes rampant and becomes fixated on new objects to express its dominance over.
Motherhood should not feel like entrapment or enslavement— a lot in life we must endure. Though it often is. How many women out there become mothers and lose sight of their dreams? How many women were taught that they must surrender their vision for their lives that they may have held since they were young girls or women, and instead focus on raising children? How many lives have been derailed by unplanned, unexpected pregnancies? No doubt, mothers have a bottomless well of love for their children, no matter the situation, or how it looks from the outside. But how is their ability to express that love affected when the choice for their position in life is not theirs, nor is the power to make that choice, nor the right to pursue happiness? Essentially their souls become oppressed –and their emotions repressed, their entire beings depressed, overwhelmed and depleted– and resentful. So many Americans feel resentment or anger toward their mothers. Resentment comes from feeling unfulfilled in some way – or not having all of our needs met, or some of our needs, and feeling powerless to do anything about it. When mothers are leading unfulfilled lives, their needs are not being met. When our needs are not being met, naturally we are only able to give what we have and if that means we are giving from an incomplete or unfulfilled place, how can we be expected to meet the needs of others? If those others are our children and we are unable to meet their needs, they will be habituated to living an unfulfilled life, and become adults who will resent their mothers/parents, feeling entitled as if they are owed something stemming from this impression of emotional lack from an early age. If we have a society filled with people whose needs are not being met, how can we expect our society to be functional, safe or one which cares for its citizens or the country…or the earth?
A functional society is one which values all lives and honors the reverence felt at the core of humanity and of our being for the givers of life— Mothers. Does a country with the world’s highest GDP— and also the highest maternal-fetal mortality rate in the developed world— truly value life at all?
A society which condones forcing women into motherhood— without considering that mother’s, or future mother’s, own external or internal world, individual life situation or preference— can never be functional, happy or safe because those qualities are what we seek in a mother: love, acceptance and belonging— and safety— and if a mother doesn’t feel like she can provide those because she doesn’t possess them herself, why would we force her into motherhood knowing it’s in no one’s best interest? How can we foster a society which feels rooted in those qualities when we deny it to those whom we rely on it for? I referenced Te Fiti and Te Ka from the movie Moana in an Instagram post on Earth Day. (Te Fiti is the goddess and giver of all life on earth, Maui steals her heart and she becomes Te Ka, a fire demon bringing death and destruction to the planet). It’s the very same mentality of taking without asking, without appreciating a gift or saying thank you—entitlement. Those are some of the first lessons our mothers teach us and the first things we learn as we begin to engage with society, or people outside of the first relationship that we have in our lives— that with our mother. First lessons we learn as budding members of society are to share and say thank you— to appreciate someone for being kind and generous. Babies start to learn from interacting with their mothers first through play. They give something to their mother and their mother says thank you. The mother gives them something and that game goes on, and eventually, through play, they learn that it’s better to ask and say thank you than to grab and run off.
The movie also illustrates that when the heart and soul of a mother— or maternal energy, or a woman, or anyone who is a giver, a nurturer or supporter of life— when their generosity and service is taken for granted while their own needs are not being met, nor are they being appreciated or reciprocated— the dynamic then becomes a breech of personal power and boundaries. One is being taken advantage of to the point that, essentially, their spirit is broken. If we continue to overwork and overburden ourselves to the point of showing up depleted, bitter and resentful, all our children feel is bitter resentment directed at them and they go off into the world believing they are not enough, and nothing is enough for them and that we let them down.
Mothers who are fulfilled have more to give. When they’re able to be more present with babies in the above situation, babies are learning about their place in the world and about human interaction from birth, or even before. It’s difficult to offer that kind of attentiveness when you’re operating from a place of stress because your needs are not being met.
Self-care by definition is taking care of your self. That means giving to yourself, caring for yourself, loving yourself with the same amount of devotion as you do your children. Mothering yourself as though you are just as precious as your little baby, because you are. It’s especially an essential and profound gift if you find yourself in a situation you didn’t ask for. It’s also far more difficult, yet that much more important, when you do not have the support surrounding you, as it absolutely takes a village.
Self-care can mean allowing yourself to feel your emotions, to sit with your grief, to hold yourself when you get hurt the way you do your little one, to coddle yourself when you learn the hard lessons of the world. Maybe holding yourself in grief for not being a mother, or maybe because you had to make a difficult choice.
The only person who has a right to to decide if she’s ready to become a mother is the person whose body is able to grow life from within. The patriarchal culture is waning. Those who cling to its control are desperately and fearfully digging their claws in to hold on to what is slipping from their grips. Control comes from a place of fear. Rest assured the power and strength of women united and standing for one another is growing and growing and it’s because we now know that our power comes from within and when we take care of our bodies and ourselves and each other we are the only ones who can, and do have control over our bodies. The balance of yin and yang will be restored because when yin energy is strong, it anchors yang. Its nature is not to dominate.
There will always be extremist factions, even in yin dominant (though not dominating!) times, just as feminine power has always been here even through a couple thousand years of yang dominant, patriarchal culture. Like it’s illustrated in the yin/yang symbol, there is always a tiny bit of yin within yang, and of yang within yin. As we are on the verge of a transition from a yang period to yin, as the symbol illustrates, just as one is nearing the end of its cycle, it swells and intensifies almost as if it’s encroaching into the space of the other, while that one softly begins to grow.
Men need not fear the rising of women, in fact they’ll benefit! More fun! More love! More sex! When women are liberated—free to express their erotic power and pursue pleasure, everybody’s happy. And we need not fear the impending ruling, but only to remember our self worth and personal power that is inside of each one of us, knowing that from that place of power, women uniting together will create our own world for us to live on terms that suit us— we who bleed for 7 days and do not die but bring forth life! (I heard Regena Tomaschaur say this, but I don’t know where else it comes from)
As mothers who have been part of this toxic societal relationship with mothers and women – women’s bodies— are we to wait for society to wake up and let go of the resentment towards mothers? How long will we be waiting around for? Shall we preach to and lecture everyone we know? Unleash our anger, rage or resentment? Shout like angry, crazy bitches? We’ve been doing that for decades and while it has won us quite a lot of freedom and achievements, we’re still living largely unfulfilled lives. And also, we were speaking the language of the patriarchy. While many women enjoy professional success while also raising children (best of both worlds, right?) we’re left burnt out, resentful for the constant giving with little recognition (save the one day a year devoted to acknowledging your mother), and not having any time for ourselves. And on the other spectrum, forced to work extra due to economic necessity, struggling to juggle childcare and making ends meet, single mothers left behind, fending for themselves and their children— alone.
We’ve blasted our message out to the world. Now it is time that we, as women, internalize our message, reclaim our position as matriarchs in our family by giving that same level of love and care that we do to our children— and everyone else— to ourselves. Self-care is the most important thing for not only us mothers, as individuals, but for society and for the entire planet. We teach our children how to respect their mothers by how we treat ourselves. This is the language of the matriarchy. And, in turn, they learn to accept and to respect themselves and others.
The planet is on the verge of a paradigm shift, and like I spoke about in that Earth Day post on Instagram, the catalyst for this shift is in how mothers are learning to treat themselves— to mother themselves— thereby teaching (by example) children (and other people, women, family members) how to treat themselves, others and Mother Earth, and to dwell in a place of love rather than lack.
Self-care is yin time, grounding time to go within, to feel your personal power and see what it is that your self needs or wants, and to lovingly provide, meeting your own needs. Our magical quality is that we can balance this rampant yang energy by strengthening our yin. To prioritize ourselves, to commit to that standing firmly for ourselves and our sisters, taking each other higher, and automatically we will heal the planet. It’s not frivolous or selfish, it’s essential, and the world needs it. We have the power to heal ourselves, and the key to accessing our feminine power is through taking loving care of ourselves.
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Happy Mother’s Day!
May we always stand firm in our conviction of dominion over our own bodies, and may we never take the safeguarding of our body’s sacred gift for granted, and remember that the key to keeping possession of our personal power, bodies and our reproductive choices, is for each individual woman to know her power through cultivating her own self love and respect, which begins with taking exquisite care of one’s own self.
And, as always, may you feel loved and nurtured from within,
Karen